i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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