Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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