I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
