Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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