I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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