BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
