My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
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