I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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