These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
