I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
