Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
