I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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