You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize
