Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
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Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
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We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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