i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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