this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
