ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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