the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
