marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
