I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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