man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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