I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
