I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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