Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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