I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
You have to summon your inner elephant
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
