Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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