Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Let's get the cat blown out
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
