never play flip cup with pint glasses
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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