if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I stole a fireplace last night.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
