i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Randomize
