why didn't you poke me back
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
