Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
