I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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