these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
