I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
