i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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