saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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