she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
