At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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