I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
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Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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