the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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