I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
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