dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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