how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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