oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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