About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I need to sanitize my soul.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
