haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
