Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
