i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
