I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
