Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
