I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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