I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You've changed since you got that strap on
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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